there is a light at the end of this tunnel…

What an odd week, heck start of the year this has been for me already. There have been so many ups and downs that I have lost count. Seems like more downs then ups but I am working towards a change in that. 

Change what a scary but wonderful word, but one that I am embracing. Being a military brat and a military wife along with a veteran of the USAF you would think I could handle change with my eyes closed, not so much the case. As I have gotten older and more set in my ways I have discovered it is harder for me to change my ways. Somethings though have been forced to change, I have had to change many things in my life in the last two years. Some have been much greater than others, some health related and most recently spiritually related. I feel that it is through these changes and the ones that I am working on are steering me towards a more complete me. So many times I have seen it said that real change starts with you, and for quite some time I just brushed it off laughing going yeah the only way things are going to change is if I change something on the physical side of life. Changed my physical appearance, and a brief period of positive then right back into my pit of despair, quit smoking forcing a change of habits and my health has actually deteriorated a bit. So these things have left me in a rut for quite a while struggling to get by just doing what needed to be done and nothing more, seeming to slide down this hill of mud and muck. I know I haven’t hit the bottom of the hill but the last couple days must have put me pretty darn close to it. Those are the moments when you are at your most vulnerable  for change. Those moments are to be cherished and acted upon.

What follows in an experience that I am leery of sharing but at the same time excited to as well.

Since my last post, I have made two decisions and one that will impact not only myself but I think everyone around me as well.  I feel that it is the positive change in me that needs to happen so the people around me can once again thrive from my friendship.  Being a good friend is one of the things that has always been important to me, and I realized in the depths of my darkness that I had turned all my friends away, I had no one to turn to besides my beau and as good as that can be at times sometimes it is not enough.  One of the decisions I made Thursday while thinking and struggling with how to do what I want to accomplish, is that I am going to try to cultivate some of the friendships that I have lost. I do not mean to imply that I am going to seek out people who I haven’t talked to in years or that sorta thing. I am going to attempt to better my relationship with the people who even in my darkness have shown me a glimmer of faith and love. Those are the people who I feel I should have in my life, the ones that even though I have not been a friend like I should have been still felt compelled to reach for me even if I pushed them away. I will start with reaching out to them just to say thank you and hopefully they will accept.

The second of these decisions revolves around my faith. I stated in my last post that I was going to take up practicing again regardless of how I thought anyone perceived me. I was able on Thursday evening to replace some of the books I had lost and some that I had never had before.  During my time at the used bookstore, I was giddy as a child and anxious to get home. When we did return home, I sat on my computer talking to my sister and playing games all the while resting my hand on the books I just picked up.  I was amazed at the energy I could feel coming off of one book in particular, I decided that it was time. I put away my computer and picked up the book. I am familiar with the author as she helped me start my journey into the craft it seemed almost to fitting that she reintroduce me to my faith. One of the first things I was asked to do was to meditate, I had not done this in a long time so it was difficult for me at first. Normally one doesn’t share what happens during meditation for it is a deeply spiritual and personal experience but I want to share this so it will be easier to understand some points I am trying to make.  I have always been a believer of one can meditate wherever and whenever they chose as long as they are able to focus no special room, or place, or tools even though they can be beneficial not a necessity.  I sat on the bed with the book that was radiating the energy in my lap and started down my path of meditation. Like I said at first it was hard, I couldn’t focus or concentrate I was worried about what my beau would think.  I took several calming breaths and just let the world around me fade and before I knew it I was standing in blackness with just a flicker of this wonderfully colored light at the edge of the darkness. I started to move towards the light but never really getting any closer. Suddenly there were open arms outstretched towards me, I moved towards the arms could hear the familiar whisper telling me that I had no need to worry anymore as soon as I reached the open arms they encircled me and a voice simply said welcome home child and it was like I was surrounded with this pure love, I felt free, I felt the sadness disappear replaced with this inner joy. When I returned, I was calmer than I had been in a long time, I felt grounded but yet felt in tune with the energy around me. I slept and awoke today feeling revitalized and confident that I have made the right choice. I am not simply going to practice my faith but I am going to live it, I am not going to let it become a back of the bookshelf kind of thing anymore. 

So there it is my decisions, both personal but life changing not just for me but for those around me. People will often say as long as you have love you have everything, I have to disagree with that now. I have had love, I have a love now like no other but yet I was still empty. Love is not enough, I believe we need friends, friends like those who were still willing to look for you in the darkness and probably most importantly is that we need faith. We need to believe in something, to have faith in something. That is what I was lacking, I had lost my faith and as the light had almost gone out for me, I was touched again and reminded that no matter how long you are gone you will always be welcomed with open arms. With this path laid in front of me, I know there will still be down days but I know now that I have somewhere to turn I have my faith and hopefully in time I will have my cherished friends back.

How do you deal?

So often we run our lives on full speed not taking the time to breathe, I am no exception. My mind moves on full speed with a nitro boost more than I like to admit. Why? I don’t have an answer for that except for the simple fact that I like to get things done quickly so it seems like I have less to worry about. The fact is i really don’t, I am in a constant state of stress, constantly on edge.  I reach a point where I am so on edge that I explode, lash out indirectly at everyone around me. I have tried ways of lessening my stress with meditation, breathing exercises, and countless other which include locking myself in the bathroom. It is not easy to just remove yourself from the stress when you are the stress. I am just at a loss on how to deal with it anymore. I would like to be normal. I would like to be sane for a little bit of the day.

How do you deal?

This constant state of high alert has taken its toll on me, lately I have been suffering from insomnia and because of the lack of sleep I am feeling sick. I am fully aware that stress and depression can have serious physical effects on your body and of course thinking about any of that only causes more stress and throws me into a deeper state of depression. I get about 4 solid hours of sleep a night the most disturbing thing about it all is if I get any more than that I wake up in such a state of panic that I make myself physically sick. I would love to be normal, well maybe not normal but at least be able to not stress over everything. 

When I say everything I mean everything. Today for example, a seemingly normal Saturday (even though it was my birthday), I woke up around eleven, after literally forcing myself asleep at around 5 A.M. totally panicked as usual. I was able to relax myself enough to gather my wits and realize that the world wasn’t going to fall apart because I slept. So as the day progressed I was suddenly made aware of company coming over, although not to visit me but still they were coming into a house that I was tasked with upkeep and cleanliness, and also knowing that this particular visitor does not think very highly of me made me go automatically into what I like to call “OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING” mode. The only problem with this mode is more often than not it is so overwhelming I have no idea where to start and what to start with. I decided to gather trash from my room and take the cups out to the sink to be loaded in the dishwasher and would go from there.  By the time that this was done, company had arrived and I was left feeling worthless, and wanting to curl up in a little ball and cry. A normal person would not have had this reaction they would have I guess shrugged their shoulders and did a quick tidy up and thought nothing more on it, I however could think of nothing more than how this reflected on me. Surely I know by now that most of this stress and pressure is caused by me, myself and I.  After this incident it seemed they day was ruined and well even though the day was not a complete loss here I sit trying to convince myself that I was not judged by the state of the kitchen or the fact that I didn’t vacuum. What normal person does this?…

Why even bother…

Good lord I need a vacation… preferably somewhere warm by the beach with cabana boys that look like Alexander Skarsgard to heed my every whim I will be good.                                             -sighs-

That is truly a wonderful dream, but I live in the real world and frankly it sucks. I truly hope everyone had a good t-day. We spent two days of prep for a meal that lasted 30mins, gotta love that huh?

Now that the pleasantries are out-of-the-way let the real reason of posting begin.

I think I may have discovered a phrase I dislike as much as “what’s wrong?” and that would be “your mad at me”.  My beau uses this phrase a lot especially after we have had a particularly tense night, and boy did we… Last night was one that often occurs with us. It always has the same outcome. What is it they say, the definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different outcomes yeah that is me. My beau went to lay down and asked me to wake him in an hour. This of course is where the downfall begins. I agree and go about getting my laptop set up so I can smash things in WoW(world of warcraft,mmorpg), things set and I start smashing. The whole time i am playing I am trying to prepare myself for the dreaded wake up. See my beau is not the easiest person to wake up, he tends to do the whole “I’m up, I’m up” then I walk away and he starts to snore again.

WOW! that picture of Alexander is really distracting…where was I?

oh yes the snoring one, well this goes on for about 30mins. I wake him up he tells me he is up or getting up out of bed then falls back asleep. I am getting quite snippy, I mean why bother to ask me to wake you up if you are going to be doing this. So after about 45 mins of me coming in a repeatedly waking him up I say “frick it” and let him sleep until he wakes up on his own. Last night that was about 4 hours later, we walked in the room to get his evening meds and I calmly and quite cheerfully asked him how his nap was, I don’t know maybe I shouldn’t have asked, he ignored me and quite frankly gave me the cold shoulder. Then he got this cross look in his eyes and asked me to come into the other room, I obeyed. Standing there getting ready for the inevitable discussion of my tactics in waking people up, I realize that I have been here before and since I already knew the outcome of the conversation I was going to state my case quite politely. Did I mention, that he can be quite the bear when he wakes up and is hurting(i didn’t know he was hurting). I stated my case quite effectively imo and was told I was being a snippy little thing and was sent to the other room, so the apparent man-child could gather himself. I stayed away for almost an hour and came up with a cheerful smile on my face and asked “are you ready to kiss and make up now?” the response I got was not what I expected “why?” he said. Well now that didn’t go how I wanted, I said something along the lines of well if you have to ask apparently you are not ready. I smiled and went to turn and he asked me to sit down next to him. We continued to hash things out rather calmly for another hour or so. He discovered that if he had just said I want to sleep longer I would have walked away and that I am not telepathic, you actually have to speak for me to know your wishes. We kissed, we made up and I returned to smashing things.

This morning…oh how I hate mornings. He got up well before the alarm, with a horribly sore back and whatever else is wrong with him, I stayed in bed until the alarm went off.  Ugh mornings… Rolled out of bed, washed the face and slipped on shoes took the dog out, yes that means that no one else took him out even though they were up. At this point I had not seen my beau, for he was in a different part of the house. Brought the dog in, and walked into the kitchen my heart sank. I should not have hoped for anything different. There my beau was sitting in the recliner with the iPad(I hate that thing, fyi). Shrugged and started to clean the kitchen, realizing before I could do anything in the kitchen the trash needed to be taken out. Bagged up the trash to which i hear from the living room “I was going to do that”(quickly moving up on my phrases that annoy me), I refuse to acknowledge and take the trash out. Finish my kitchen clean up and make myself my breakfast which consist of a glass of chocolate milk. My beau walks into the kitchen and tries to be all lovey dovey, I am so not in the mood. I told him I didn’t appreciate the whole I was going to do that comment, and said you had all morning to take it out. He grabbed me and said hey I love you I said it dutifully back and started to walk away… then I heard it. “You’re mad at me aren’t you?” I want to examine that phrase, why possibly would I be mad at you. Of course I am not mad at you, I am overjoyed that you sat there and played the iPad all morning instead of, taking the dog or the trash out. Then to save your own tush you said you were going to, really when? When it was convient to you? I don’t get that luxury because if I waited until then the dishes would over run the kitchen and the dog would never get fed or taken out in the morning. This is how my last 12 hrs have been, the sad thing is I really haven’t been up that long and now I know how the rest of my day is going to be.

 

Frustrated in so so many ways….

I told myself that i would use this blog to help me feel better and get all the craziness out before i exploded at everyone(which would be a mess i would have to clean up more then likely), i would not try to blog about certain events the involved other people only ones that involved solely me. Today however I am going to blog about my current beau(sounds so much more nice put this way), and somethings that are really annoying the heck out of me today.

Well first let me say I am in a bit of a foul mood to begin with because of the wake up i got. Yes yes I know it was just my alarm which hey that didnt really bother me it was the dog whining that got to me and even when i was in the bathroom he was whining at the door. Give me a little wake up time geez… needless to say I tended to the dog and went about my normal morning routine. Which of course was thrown out of whack becuase my dumb butt forgot to turn the dishwasher on after i loaded it…so as it ran i stared at the dishes in the sink and returned to my room to try and conitnue my wake up so i woudl be in a better mood. It is just one of those days though where i can not shake this need to bitch or fight with someone. Not wanting to let this turn into a full on rage day, i have been trying to distract myself with things all day. Not working… I know a nap maybe beneficial but I have things to do or at least i feel like i have things to do. I have sat here all day staring at my screen feeling like i have a list 100miles long but frankly i dont. Tomorrow is another story all together.

Tired…

Obviously, its not that i dont get enough sleep i think that it is i dont get quality sleep. I can take that 20min hard core power nap and feel more rested then when i sleep through the night. Today however the nap eluded me and I am left feeling groggy, and bitchy. Then of course just becuase i am tired does not mean that world slows down or things stop needing to be done. So even though today i have really nothing on my plate I am full of anxious nerves about imaginary things that i need to get done. Restless much….? yeah that is me. So I am tired but still doing whatever little things i can imagine to find to do. You may be asking yourself well is there no one else in the house that can pick up the slack so you can catch a quick nap? Why! yes there is!! oh but wait by the time he rolled out of bed I was already done with my morning chores so yeah that was a bum deal. So here it is a little after 1800(6pm) and I am struggling to keep my eyes open, while he is sleeping. that is right he is sleeping… slept through me cooking dinner even after i gently said hey you need to cook dinner tonight because i am going to be on my feet all day baking tomorrow… nope went right through one ear and out the other.

I will admit there is more to the story then just him being lazy, which it comes off as. My Beau suffers from, an undiagnosed stomach disorder, chronic low back pain, migraines and nerve damage from a facial surgery he had a year ago, plus thanks to an allergic reaction to Chantix  withdrawal… Most of the meds he is on cause drowsiness in reality what med doesnt. The two most recent meds he was put on to help combat the withdrawal apparently are kicking his tail and he cant seem to keep his eyes open(according to him), now I am not saying that these meds arent making him tired or drowsy but come on… he gets likes this alot more then he likes to admit. Normally wouldnt affect me so much, but it is taking a toll on our relationship and he seems to not care. I have in my most bitchy of ways confronted him on it to which his reply is its the meds…. ugh it gets so frustrating. See now here is the dilema because he is sleeping now he will wake up and be up all night which oh wait he will then have to sleep all day then wash, rinse and repaet…  I want him up i dont care if he is reading watching tv or playing on his computer but up and somewhat functioning would be nice. I know many of you are all going “oh hell no! go wake his ass up” well that is not the type of person I am, i will let him sleep and vent to my blog…

Bitchy…

Yes yes I am. I cant help it. When you deal with all the bs that goes on in my head you would be bitchy too. Everyday it seems like the same thing in my brain… always screaming at me to do this to do that… but what the heck is this or that. I need specifics. give me a game plan, heck even a scribbled inlegible list of things specific things that you want done brain if that would ease you I would gladly do it. Nooo instead i get the anxious feeling that there are things that i dont know about that have to be done at this minute. Have any of you felt like that. Its not simply a feeling of forgetting something its this axious drive to complete something that you dont know about. Even as I sist here now my mind is wondering what it is that needs to be finished and whatever it is it needs to get done NOW. So yeah i am bitchy but its an ansy bitchy if there is such a thing couple that with being tired and oh boy arent you in for a joy.

Frustrated…(maybe tmi, i kept it clean)

Oh the list could go on and on for all the ways i am frustrated but I am going to focus on one that may confuse some of you. My beau and i have a very different type of relationship, we sorta dance to the beat of a different drum. It is through trusting each other wholly that we are able to have this type of relationship. Neither of us seek anyone outside each other so erase that from your mind. He tends to a side of me that gives me purpose and honestly helps keep me sane. Due to his illnesses, he hasnt been able to. So I am left feeling frustrated for not being able to serve my purpose and out of sorts for not feeling like I know where i belong. It is really hard to explain. Anyways, he hasnt been meeting that aspect of myself and frankly I am getting extremely tired of it. He used to be able to with just saying my name in that tone of voice silience my demons and calm me down. I think he has forgotten and though I have reminded him before about it and really how much not only me but how much he needs it to he still just sorta “eh” he will apologize and try but the gusto isnt there anymore. Which of course sends me in a downward spiral, of questions about want, desire, love etc… you get the picture.  I just for one hour or so I could get my old Beau back, the one who could quiet my demons with just the sound of his voice, now though its the sound of his voice that stirs my demons LOL…

roller coaster break down

Wow! What a really horrible day this turned in to. Started out as irritable ended feeling like I seriously needed to be committed. As from my earlier post, I was irritable today. Not to be taken lightly but not exactly an all encompassing kind of emotion either. In my case that irritability turned into this lack of anything. It was as if i was a shell today, just sitting here watching movies, while the world moved in slow pace around me. I struggled through the day, even took a nap thinking it was just a lack of sleep thing. When I woke from my nap it was 20 questions with the most of those twenty questions being that phrase… I simply replied nothing or I don’t know what is wrong I just feel off.  I left things at that and did my best to avoid people thinking that this eh, blah nothing feeling could easily turn into a complete angry rage fest. I watched movies dozed on and off and just sorta stayed in my safe area. For the most part, I was left alone until it was time for dinner. It was beloveds’ night to cook, so I let him have at it. Yet, in his concern for me bombarded me with questions I really didn’t care about at that moment. I brushed them off and said make what you want I am not really hungry. All day today, I snacked on carbs which are my comfort foods. So for me not to be hungry seemed to make sense to me.  He didn’t seem to mind it so I went back to what one would call wallowing in my hole. The thing is, I wasn’t sad or happy, I literally was void of emotion I just felt like a shell so I don’t think wallowing is really the right term.  As the day progressed I didn’t seem to get any better nor did i get worse. I was just there. Being just there is such a weird state. I didn’t really have any emotions towards anything, I hopped on Fb thinking that would distract me enough to switch my moods up but it didn’t. I actually got mad at my laptop for falling of its tray…   (shakes head), it was then I realized that it wasn’t nothing I was feeling it was an in general frustration. This is never a good thing for me, it leads to me going all OCD and throwing things away, rearranging things and just an all out need or obsession to change things. This however poses a great problem, there is nothing  for me to change that will give me the satisfaction I was looking for. So I sat and stared blankly at the ceiling.

Now to say I didn’t have moments today where I smiled or giggled would be wrong but those moments were so brief that it almost seems like they didn’t happen, but I know I giggled and the Star Wars/Disney memes I saw on FB, and I know I smiled when the beloved made a snarky comment about FB. They just seemed so fleeting, I am left wondering if I just made them up. Thinking that I make up happy moments to over ride the bad isn’t  all that horrible, it just leaves me wondering what is real and what isn’t when it comes to my emotions. How do I know what is a real emotions and what am I making up to cover up the bad ones.

Well as I laid in bed staring at nothing, the beginning of the end started. I could feel the overwhelming need to cry to scream to claw my skin off to do something. I felt like a ticking bomb with an extremely short fuse. I tried to keep myself in check but knew the more energy I focused on it the worse it was going to be. Then it happened, the beloved came in with what should have been a simple question but it was that horrible statement and that is all it took. As I unleashed a torrent of ill-tempered words with really no purpose what so ever, yelling at him that I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT WRONG, and asking him if he thought this was easy on me… To which he responded with no but it’s not easy on me either. That statement alone, knowing that it was meant in the most gentle and supportive way sent me in a horrible spiral. I turned away from him and he walked away. Then the nothingness I had been feeling all day turned into a mass of guilt and panic and sadness. I panicked because I knew what I was feeling was not right, and all I kept thinking was that I prolly should be committed. The sadness was there, making me feel even worse, making me question whether or not I should even be alive let alone out in public. My head was screaming at me about what a danger I was to myself and those around me, that I should be committed or at least go barricade myself in the bathroom with the hydros and oxys that are in the house. Yes at that moment I was contemplating suicide, it’s not the first time nor will it be the last I am sure. I was crying and clawing at my arms because I couldn’t grasp really what was going on with me. I could feel myself sort slipping into this state of nothing, this state where there was no me, no pain, just nothing. I am guessing it is at this point my significant other came over to me and snapped me back to reality. He took my hand, the same man who I screamed at not but a mere minutes ago(yes all that happened in that short amount of time) was holding my hand calling out to me, calling to me to look at him. When I was able to look at him finally, I was confused I didn’t understand what had happened and I was ashamed because whatever had happened the look of fear and love on his face. As his voice brought me back down from whatever state I was in, I was immediately awash with exhaustion and shortly there after feel asleep. When I woke up after that brief nap I had to put everything in perspective and try to figure out what just happened to me. I still am not sure what exactly happened nor do I think I will ever know. All I know is I am lucky to have him there when I need him, without him being there I am not sure I could have brought myself back from the land of nothing.

Did I just experience a small break from reality? quite possibly. Do i feel any better, I do feel a little better, I have an immense headache though and one side of my head definitely feels heavier than the other. I am still tired and feel as though I am empty again but not an empty like earlier but like I am an empty vessel waiting to be filled. Let’s hope after some serious sleep, I wake up still feeling the same.