there is a light at the end of this tunnel…

What an odd week, heck start of the year this has been for me already. There have been so many ups and downs that I have lost count. Seems like more downs then ups but I am working towards a change in that. 

Change what a scary but wonderful word, but one that I am embracing. Being a military brat and a military wife along with a veteran of the USAF you would think I could handle change with my eyes closed, not so much the case. As I have gotten older and more set in my ways I have discovered it is harder for me to change my ways. Somethings though have been forced to change, I have had to change many things in my life in the last two years. Some have been much greater than others, some health related and most recently spiritually related. I feel that it is through these changes and the ones that I am working on are steering me towards a more complete me. So many times I have seen it said that real change starts with you, and for quite some time I just brushed it off laughing going yeah the only way things are going to change is if I change something on the physical side of life. Changed my physical appearance, and a brief period of positive then right back into my pit of despair, quit smoking forcing a change of habits and my health has actually deteriorated a bit. So these things have left me in a rut for quite a while struggling to get by just doing what needed to be done and nothing more, seeming to slide down this hill of mud and muck. I know I haven’t hit the bottom of the hill but the last couple days must have put me pretty darn close to it. Those are the moments when you are at your most vulnerable  for change. Those moments are to be cherished and acted upon.

What follows in an experience that I am leery of sharing but at the same time excited to as well.

Since my last post, I have made two decisions and one that will impact not only myself but I think everyone around me as well.  I feel that it is the positive change in me that needs to happen so the people around me can once again thrive from my friendship.  Being a good friend is one of the things that has always been important to me, and I realized in the depths of my darkness that I had turned all my friends away, I had no one to turn to besides my beau and as good as that can be at times sometimes it is not enough.  One of the decisions I made Thursday while thinking and struggling with how to do what I want to accomplish, is that I am going to try to cultivate some of the friendships that I have lost. I do not mean to imply that I am going to seek out people who I haven’t talked to in years or that sorta thing. I am going to attempt to better my relationship with the people who even in my darkness have shown me a glimmer of faith and love. Those are the people who I feel I should have in my life, the ones that even though I have not been a friend like I should have been still felt compelled to reach for me even if I pushed them away. I will start with reaching out to them just to say thank you and hopefully they will accept.

The second of these decisions revolves around my faith. I stated in my last post that I was going to take up practicing again regardless of how I thought anyone perceived me. I was able on Thursday evening to replace some of the books I had lost and some that I had never had before.  During my time at the used bookstore, I was giddy as a child and anxious to get home. When we did return home, I sat on my computer talking to my sister and playing games all the while resting my hand on the books I just picked up.  I was amazed at the energy I could feel coming off of one book in particular, I decided that it was time. I put away my computer and picked up the book. I am familiar with the author as she helped me start my journey into the craft it seemed almost to fitting that she reintroduce me to my faith. One of the first things I was asked to do was to meditate, I had not done this in a long time so it was difficult for me at first. Normally one doesn’t share what happens during meditation for it is a deeply spiritual and personal experience but I want to share this so it will be easier to understand some points I am trying to make.  I have always been a believer of one can meditate wherever and whenever they chose as long as they are able to focus no special room, or place, or tools even though they can be beneficial not a necessity.  I sat on the bed with the book that was radiating the energy in my lap and started down my path of meditation. Like I said at first it was hard, I couldn’t focus or concentrate I was worried about what my beau would think.  I took several calming breaths and just let the world around me fade and before I knew it I was standing in blackness with just a flicker of this wonderfully colored light at the edge of the darkness. I started to move towards the light but never really getting any closer. Suddenly there were open arms outstretched towards me, I moved towards the arms could hear the familiar whisper telling me that I had no need to worry anymore as soon as I reached the open arms they encircled me and a voice simply said welcome home child and it was like I was surrounded with this pure love, I felt free, I felt the sadness disappear replaced with this inner joy. When I returned, I was calmer than I had been in a long time, I felt grounded but yet felt in tune with the energy around me. I slept and awoke today feeling revitalized and confident that I have made the right choice. I am not simply going to practice my faith but I am going to live it, I am not going to let it become a back of the bookshelf kind of thing anymore. 

So there it is my decisions, both personal but life changing not just for me but for those around me. People will often say as long as you have love you have everything, I have to disagree with that now. I have had love, I have a love now like no other but yet I was still empty. Love is not enough, I believe we need friends, friends like those who were still willing to look for you in the darkness and probably most importantly is that we need faith. We need to believe in something, to have faith in something. That is what I was lacking, I had lost my faith and as the light had almost gone out for me, I was touched again and reminded that no matter how long you are gone you will always be welcomed with open arms. With this path laid in front of me, I know there will still be down days but I know now that I have somewhere to turn I have my faith and hopefully in time I will have my cherished friends back.

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New musings and old habits….

We all have those days where we see things clearly for the first time and realize that what we have seen may have been there all along. Today or well last night was one of those days for me, not sure if it was brought on by the insomnia or just the fact that I had some time to talk to myself. Yes I know that it sounds a bit crazy to talk to yourself but sometimes you can really have a heartfelt conversation with yourself and discover some very self affirming or life changing things.  Tonight’s conversation brought to light some points in my current situation that are not only life affirming but I feel could have a very real effect on my situation.

OLD HABITS DIE HARD… so just accept them.

I have many old habits some I have had since I was child, many of my habits have no affect on anyone else but me so I don’t even think of them. One though that not only affects me but affects the others I am around be it here at the house or out in the workplace is that I am a people pleaser. Now Now calm down, I am not saying I am a door mat I am just saying I like to make people smile.  In that on its own of course could be a horrible habit I am well aware of. I often stress over getting things done that will make others happy even if it is as minor as sweeping the floor or running out to the store when I am in the middle of something not as important. I don’t mind dropping what I am doing to do something for someone else 90% of the time, I do enjoy it. My problem is I don’t know where to draw the line anymore. My whole life revolves around making the people around me happy and though that sounds simple it’s not. I don’t know how to do it anymore. I know how to do the daily stuff but how do I make someone happy who doesn’t know what makes them happy or simply just says whatever you want. I know right now you guys are all going “you can’t make everyone happy”  I know I know trust me I know. I guess that is where my dilemma is. I am a very simple person, I do think for others and that is what makes me happy. Well during last nights bought of insomnia I discovered that its fighting it that is making me miserable and sending me into the darkest parts of my disease. So I have decided to not fight it and do it, it comes naturally to me so why would I fight it. Ofcourse now the issues is where do I draw the line of people pleasing and being taken advantage of. There is a line I just don’t know where that is, I wonder if there will be a line for me.UGH.

New Musings…becoming me again.

When one is searching amongst the clutter of their life and looking back over their past and trying to figure out where you lost your happiness is always a scary thing.  It’s odd because it is not that I am not happy where I am, I have brief periods of ultimate happiness and then really nothing. It like something is missing, obviously not being a mother anymore is hard on me but I am still a mother I gave birth to them and raised them while they were with me, but in the end the decision was mine and I have accepted it and one day I will get the courage to make peace with them. That is a whole other issue LOL.  One of the many things I lost during my years of “confinement” is my craft. I stopped practicing and recharging myself.  I was able to stop the darkness in my mind from overcoming me because of my faith my craft. I have tried but I live in a closed-door to afraid to show who and what I am to those around me. Ofcourse my beloved knows that I am a Witch, do I have the right to call myself that anymore? I have decided no longer. I will not hide behind the closed-door for fear of people’s acceptance of me and who I am. I will bring my faith my craft my magick back to me. Where do I start though. I lost all my books and tools in the divorce(really should have requested those things along with my boots….). I will acquire new books, new reading, start a new and learn again what was once such a part of me. I will celebrate my holidays and not be ashamed or scared to show them off, I will begin anew. Just stating that has set my heart soaring with hope. There will be no more longing for what was once there, I will have it again. So my journey begins back along the path I walk.

I am going to end with this. Written originally  by Doreen Valiente.

Charge of the Goddess

Now listen to the words of the Great Mother, who was of old also called among men Artemis,
Astarte, Athene, Dione, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Dana, Arianrhod, Isis, Bride, and by many other names. At her altars, the youth of Lacedaemon in Sparta made due sacrifice.

Whenever ye have need of anything, once in the month and better it be when the moon is full, 

then shall ye assemble in some secret place, and adore the spirit of me, I who am Queen of all witches. 

There shall ye assemble, ye who are fain to learn all sorcery, yet have not won its deepest secrets; 

to these will I teach all things that are as yet unknown. 

And ye shall be free from slavery; and as a sign that ye be truly free, you shall be naked in your rites; 

and ye shall dance, sing, feast, make music and love, all in my praise. For mine is the ecstasy of the spirit, 

and mine also is joy on earth; for my law is love unto all beings. 

 

Keep pure your highest ideals; strive ever towards them, let nothing stop you or turn you aside. 

For mine is the secret door which opens upon the Land of Youth, and mine is the cup of the wine of life, 

and the Cauldron of Cerridwen, which is the Holy Vessel of Immortality. I am the gracious Goddess, 

who gives the gift of joy unto the heart of man. 

Upon earth, I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal; and beyond death, I give peace, and freedom, 

and reunion with those who have gone before. 

Nor do I demand sacrifice; for behold, I am the Mother of all living, and my love is poured out upon the Earth. 

Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of Whose feet are the hosts of Heaven, whose body encircles the universe:

 

I who am the beauty of the green earth, and the white moon among the stars, and the mystery of the waters, and the desire of the heart of man.

 

I call upon thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of Nature, who gives life to the Universe. 

From me all things proceed, and unto me all things must return; and before my face, beloved of gods and of men, let thine innermost divine self be enfolded, in the rapture of the infinite. 

Let my worship be within the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals. 

Therefore, let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. 

And thou who thinketh to seek for me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knoweth the mystery; for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.

How do you deal?

So often we run our lives on full speed not taking the time to breathe, I am no exception. My mind moves on full speed with a nitro boost more than I like to admit. Why? I don’t have an answer for that except for the simple fact that I like to get things done quickly so it seems like I have less to worry about. The fact is i really don’t, I am in a constant state of stress, constantly on edge.  I reach a point where I am so on edge that I explode, lash out indirectly at everyone around me. I have tried ways of lessening my stress with meditation, breathing exercises, and countless other which include locking myself in the bathroom. It is not easy to just remove yourself from the stress when you are the stress. I am just at a loss on how to deal with it anymore. I would like to be normal. I would like to be sane for a little bit of the day.

How do you deal?

This constant state of high alert has taken its toll on me, lately I have been suffering from insomnia and because of the lack of sleep I am feeling sick. I am fully aware that stress and depression can have serious physical effects on your body and of course thinking about any of that only causes more stress and throws me into a deeper state of depression. I get about 4 solid hours of sleep a night the most disturbing thing about it all is if I get any more than that I wake up in such a state of panic that I make myself physically sick. I would love to be normal, well maybe not normal but at least be able to not stress over everything. 

When I say everything I mean everything. Today for example, a seemingly normal Saturday (even though it was my birthday), I woke up around eleven, after literally forcing myself asleep at around 5 A.M. totally panicked as usual. I was able to relax myself enough to gather my wits and realize that the world wasn’t going to fall apart because I slept. So as the day progressed I was suddenly made aware of company coming over, although not to visit me but still they were coming into a house that I was tasked with upkeep and cleanliness, and also knowing that this particular visitor does not think very highly of me made me go automatically into what I like to call “OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING” mode. The only problem with this mode is more often than not it is so overwhelming I have no idea where to start and what to start with. I decided to gather trash from my room and take the cups out to the sink to be loaded in the dishwasher and would go from there.  By the time that this was done, company had arrived and I was left feeling worthless, and wanting to curl up in a little ball and cry. A normal person would not have had this reaction they would have I guess shrugged their shoulders and did a quick tidy up and thought nothing more on it, I however could think of nothing more than how this reflected on me. Surely I know by now that most of this stress and pressure is caused by me, myself and I.  After this incident it seemed they day was ruined and well even though the day was not a complete loss here I sit trying to convince myself that I was not judged by the state of the kitchen or the fact that I didn’t vacuum. What normal person does this?…

To resolve or not to resolve… that is the question

Well that dreadful time of year is approaching where we all consider the crap we did for the last 12 months and resolve to not do them again. I have never been one for making resolutions, it always seemed a little silly to me. Why bother swearing to never do them again when you know that you prolly will. I am not saying that one does not have the will power to stop or to not do something just simply saying we tend to make resolutions for silly things. We say we are not going to eat chocolate, or give up soda, and the usual eat healthier, lose weight jargon but yet by the end of the month we have already “cheated” or slipped up. We even resolve to be a better person or curse less, take our time to stop and smell the roses, spend more time with the family, be on the computer less.NY2013resolution

  Why do we do it? It is almost though we enjoy setting ourselves up for failure when it comes to resolutions. Why do we limit ourselves to this one day to make the resolutions, why not make monthly resolutions. Instead of making resolutions to keep throughout the year make them to keep throughout the month instead. I think we would be less likely to “cheat” of we just had to go 30 days without chocolate then a whole year(EGADS!)  So instead of a New Years resolution make a new month resolution and at the beginning of each month congratulate yourself for completing the month and set out with a new goal. Doesnt really matter what you resolve to do for each month as long as you complete it and that it is healthy for you of course. We wouldn’t want you to resolve to drink yourself to death or try a new illegal drug every day make a positive resolution. Turn the first of every month into a New Year and then maybe you will achieve that new you that YOU want. Maybe the key to achieving our goals or to sticking to our resolutions is to make sure they are for us and something that we want for ourselves. Don’t join a gym and get in shape if it for someone else, do it because it is what you want. Don’t waste your time trying to be what society or someone else wants you to be.

This coming January I am going to resolve to lose five pounds, and practice my faith more. That is what I am going to do for myself, what are you going to do?

Holiday Hangover

Let me start off by saying I hope everyone had a joyous holiday full of family, friends and good times.

Holiday Bah-Humbug

  The holiday season has its ups and downs for me as it does for a lot of people. We each in our own way cope with it differently. This year i didn’t do so well with the coping, I just couldn’t get my butt in the christmas spirit, really though who can these days. So much of the holiday season is lost with all the I wants and glitzy commercials screaming about the seasons must have or what you must get for your children.  I admit I was often pressured with the urge to get my children the latest fad or techie toy so they could be the cool ones but honestly at the end of the season the toy is forgotten and they were back to making blanket forts and sliding down the stairs on a cardboard box. I think back to when I was a child and know that I was spoiled rotten, my grandparents had very nice careers which allowed them to dote upon the only grandchild at the time, Moi :).  My birthday being so close after christmas I tended to get more gifts or larger gifts cause it was a combined type of gift. Even though there are some presents i remember what I remember the most is being surrounded by the whole family. I remember the Hagen Das ice cream in the freezer, sitting in the living room with the fire place and the beautifully decorated tree with everyone giggling and opening presents. that feeling of family isn’t that what christmas is supposed to be about anyways.  Now that I am older and have children of my own I find myself not so impressed with the latest must haves and would much rather have that Hagen Das in the freezer, and the warmth that went with knowing all my family was around me.

This holiday season seemed different to me. I did the usual baking and prepping for the holiday meals but it seemed empty and devoid of purpose. While out shopping I could even see it the faces of the people I passed, in such a hurry to get everything and everyone checked off their list they simply didn’t care about anything or anyone else. I watched people literally push by an elderly man to get what they wanted without even an excuse me sir, I watched a child throw a full on temper tantrum because their mommy told them no (how dare they!? the outrage!). I know that these things happen almost on a daily basis but for me they seemed more noticeable this holiday season. I found myself asking what is wrong with people these days, and we can no longer say it’s just the younger generation. I have seen the elderly act just as rude if not more so.  I wonder why? Why the rudeness? Is it really that we have become a society that doesn’t care about anyone else but themselves. I truly hope not, when we stop caring about others we stop moving forward, if we stop moving forward we become nothing. 

been away…

Sorry I havent blogged much, my sister was down visiting and this is a rough time of year for me not only emotionally but physically as well. Will try to get something in before Christmas.

Why even bother…

Good lord I need a vacation… preferably somewhere warm by the beach with cabana boys that look like Alexander Skarsgard to heed my every whim I will be good.                                             -sighs-

That is truly a wonderful dream, but I live in the real world and frankly it sucks. I truly hope everyone had a good t-day. We spent two days of prep for a meal that lasted 30mins, gotta love that huh?

Now that the pleasantries are out-of-the-way let the real reason of posting begin.

I think I may have discovered a phrase I dislike as much as “what’s wrong?” and that would be “your mad at me”.  My beau uses this phrase a lot especially after we have had a particularly tense night, and boy did we… Last night was one that often occurs with us. It always has the same outcome. What is it they say, the definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different outcomes yeah that is me. My beau went to lay down and asked me to wake him in an hour. This of course is where the downfall begins. I agree and go about getting my laptop set up so I can smash things in WoW(world of warcraft,mmorpg), things set and I start smashing. The whole time i am playing I am trying to prepare myself for the dreaded wake up. See my beau is not the easiest person to wake up, he tends to do the whole “I’m up, I’m up” then I walk away and he starts to snore again.

WOW! that picture of Alexander is really distracting…where was I?

oh yes the snoring one, well this goes on for about 30mins. I wake him up he tells me he is up or getting up out of bed then falls back asleep. I am getting quite snippy, I mean why bother to ask me to wake you up if you are going to be doing this. So after about 45 mins of me coming in a repeatedly waking him up I say “frick it” and let him sleep until he wakes up on his own. Last night that was about 4 hours later, we walked in the room to get his evening meds and I calmly and quite cheerfully asked him how his nap was, I don’t know maybe I shouldn’t have asked, he ignored me and quite frankly gave me the cold shoulder. Then he got this cross look in his eyes and asked me to come into the other room, I obeyed. Standing there getting ready for the inevitable discussion of my tactics in waking people up, I realize that I have been here before and since I already knew the outcome of the conversation I was going to state my case quite politely. Did I mention, that he can be quite the bear when he wakes up and is hurting(i didn’t know he was hurting). I stated my case quite effectively imo and was told I was being a snippy little thing and was sent to the other room, so the apparent man-child could gather himself. I stayed away for almost an hour and came up with a cheerful smile on my face and asked “are you ready to kiss and make up now?” the response I got was not what I expected “why?” he said. Well now that didn’t go how I wanted, I said something along the lines of well if you have to ask apparently you are not ready. I smiled and went to turn and he asked me to sit down next to him. We continued to hash things out rather calmly for another hour or so. He discovered that if he had just said I want to sleep longer I would have walked away and that I am not telepathic, you actually have to speak for me to know your wishes. We kissed, we made up and I returned to smashing things.

This morning…oh how I hate mornings. He got up well before the alarm, with a horribly sore back and whatever else is wrong with him, I stayed in bed until the alarm went off.  Ugh mornings… Rolled out of bed, washed the face and slipped on shoes took the dog out, yes that means that no one else took him out even though they were up. At this point I had not seen my beau, for he was in a different part of the house. Brought the dog in, and walked into the kitchen my heart sank. I should not have hoped for anything different. There my beau was sitting in the recliner with the iPad(I hate that thing, fyi). Shrugged and started to clean the kitchen, realizing before I could do anything in the kitchen the trash needed to be taken out. Bagged up the trash to which i hear from the living room “I was going to do that”(quickly moving up on my phrases that annoy me), I refuse to acknowledge and take the trash out. Finish my kitchen clean up and make myself my breakfast which consist of a glass of chocolate milk. My beau walks into the kitchen and tries to be all lovey dovey, I am so not in the mood. I told him I didn’t appreciate the whole I was going to do that comment, and said you had all morning to take it out. He grabbed me and said hey I love you I said it dutifully back and started to walk away… then I heard it. “You’re mad at me aren’t you?” I want to examine that phrase, why possibly would I be mad at you. Of course I am not mad at you, I am overjoyed that you sat there and played the iPad all morning instead of, taking the dog or the trash out. Then to save your own tush you said you were going to, really when? When it was convient to you? I don’t get that luxury because if I waited until then the dishes would over run the kitchen and the dog would never get fed or taken out in the morning. This is how my last 12 hrs have been, the sad thing is I really haven’t been up that long and now I know how the rest of my day is going to be.

 

Frustrated in so so many ways….

I told myself that i would use this blog to help me feel better and get all the craziness out before i exploded at everyone(which would be a mess i would have to clean up more then likely), i would not try to blog about certain events the involved other people only ones that involved solely me. Today however I am going to blog about my current beau(sounds so much more nice put this way), and somethings that are really annoying the heck out of me today.

Well first let me say I am in a bit of a foul mood to begin with because of the wake up i got. Yes yes I know it was just my alarm which hey that didnt really bother me it was the dog whining that got to me and even when i was in the bathroom he was whining at the door. Give me a little wake up time geez… needless to say I tended to the dog and went about my normal morning routine. Which of course was thrown out of whack becuase my dumb butt forgot to turn the dishwasher on after i loaded it…so as it ran i stared at the dishes in the sink and returned to my room to try and conitnue my wake up so i woudl be in a better mood. It is just one of those days though where i can not shake this need to bitch or fight with someone. Not wanting to let this turn into a full on rage day, i have been trying to distract myself with things all day. Not working… I know a nap maybe beneficial but I have things to do or at least i feel like i have things to do. I have sat here all day staring at my screen feeling like i have a list 100miles long but frankly i dont. Tomorrow is another story all together.

Tired…

Obviously, its not that i dont get enough sleep i think that it is i dont get quality sleep. I can take that 20min hard core power nap and feel more rested then when i sleep through the night. Today however the nap eluded me and I am left feeling groggy, and bitchy. Then of course just becuase i am tired does not mean that world slows down or things stop needing to be done. So even though today i have really nothing on my plate I am full of anxious nerves about imaginary things that i need to get done. Restless much….? yeah that is me. So I am tired but still doing whatever little things i can imagine to find to do. You may be asking yourself well is there no one else in the house that can pick up the slack so you can catch a quick nap? Why! yes there is!! oh but wait by the time he rolled out of bed I was already done with my morning chores so yeah that was a bum deal. So here it is a little after 1800(6pm) and I am struggling to keep my eyes open, while he is sleeping. that is right he is sleeping… slept through me cooking dinner even after i gently said hey you need to cook dinner tonight because i am going to be on my feet all day baking tomorrow… nope went right through one ear and out the other.

I will admit there is more to the story then just him being lazy, which it comes off as. My Beau suffers from, an undiagnosed stomach disorder, chronic low back pain, migraines and nerve damage from a facial surgery he had a year ago, plus thanks to an allergic reaction to Chantix  withdrawal… Most of the meds he is on cause drowsiness in reality what med doesnt. The two most recent meds he was put on to help combat the withdrawal apparently are kicking his tail and he cant seem to keep his eyes open(according to him), now I am not saying that these meds arent making him tired or drowsy but come on… he gets likes this alot more then he likes to admit. Normally wouldnt affect me so much, but it is taking a toll on our relationship and he seems to not care. I have in my most bitchy of ways confronted him on it to which his reply is its the meds…. ugh it gets so frustrating. See now here is the dilema because he is sleeping now he will wake up and be up all night which oh wait he will then have to sleep all day then wash, rinse and repaet…  I want him up i dont care if he is reading watching tv or playing on his computer but up and somewhat functioning would be nice. I know many of you are all going “oh hell no! go wake his ass up” well that is not the type of person I am, i will let him sleep and vent to my blog…

Bitchy…

Yes yes I am. I cant help it. When you deal with all the bs that goes on in my head you would be bitchy too. Everyday it seems like the same thing in my brain… always screaming at me to do this to do that… but what the heck is this or that. I need specifics. give me a game plan, heck even a scribbled inlegible list of things specific things that you want done brain if that would ease you I would gladly do it. Nooo instead i get the anxious feeling that there are things that i dont know about that have to be done at this minute. Have any of you felt like that. Its not simply a feeling of forgetting something its this axious drive to complete something that you dont know about. Even as I sist here now my mind is wondering what it is that needs to be finished and whatever it is it needs to get done NOW. So yeah i am bitchy but its an ansy bitchy if there is such a thing couple that with being tired and oh boy arent you in for a joy.

Frustrated…(maybe tmi, i kept it clean)

Oh the list could go on and on for all the ways i am frustrated but I am going to focus on one that may confuse some of you. My beau and i have a very different type of relationship, we sorta dance to the beat of a different drum. It is through trusting each other wholly that we are able to have this type of relationship. Neither of us seek anyone outside each other so erase that from your mind. He tends to a side of me that gives me purpose and honestly helps keep me sane. Due to his illnesses, he hasnt been able to. So I am left feeling frustrated for not being able to serve my purpose and out of sorts for not feeling like I know where i belong. It is really hard to explain. Anyways, he hasnt been meeting that aspect of myself and frankly I am getting extremely tired of it. He used to be able to with just saying my name in that tone of voice silience my demons and calm me down. I think he has forgotten and though I have reminded him before about it and really how much not only me but how much he needs it to he still just sorta “eh” he will apologize and try but the gusto isnt there anymore. Which of course sends me in a downward spiral, of questions about want, desire, love etc… you get the picture.  I just for one hour or so I could get my old Beau back, the one who could quiet my demons with just the sound of his voice, now though its the sound of his voice that stirs my demons LOL…

pie crust

Since the holidays are approaching us rather quickly I thought I would share my recipe for an all butter pie crust. This is the only pie crust I have not failed with. Its is also fairly simple to which is what most pie crust recipes say but really this ones is. Also if you have noticed from my other recipes I have shared I do not using a mixer, or hand mixer for most of the mixing, I prefer to use a wooden spoon or even just my hands you get a better feel for the dough. This is one recipe where you can use either. I will have the instructions written with use of a food processor.

  • 2 1/2 cups AP flour
  • 1 cup unsalted butter(VERY COLD, freeze butter for best results)
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp sugar
  • 6-8 tbsp ICE COLD WATER

Combine flour, sugar, salt in food processor pulse to mix. Add butter and pulse 6-8 times, or until mixture resembles a coarse meal(think corn meal). Add ice water a tablespoon at a time, pulsing after each addition until dough sticks together when squeezed in hand. If dough doesn’t form add a little more ice water until it forms.

Remove dough from processor, and place in a mound on a clean surface. gently shape to form 2 discs. Knead dough just enough to form the discs, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate. Can be refrigerated for up to two days.

When ready to use remove from fridge and roll out. Remember to blind bake your crusts for cream or meringue pies.

By LadyHeather Posted in Recipes

Simple things are not always the little things….

One of the many things that used to drive me batty during my second marriage was how all the simple tasks, that seems so little never got done. Let me give ya a little background. For all the things that went horribly wrong in my last marriage I can confidently say my ex-husband was a damn good soldier. It was something that he enjoyed doing and was good at. I am sure he would have been a lifer if it wasn’t for the injury to the vertebrae in his neck. He was one for just over 17 years when he finally got out and it was when this happened that I notice all the little things, the simple things never got done.

I am a self admitted control freak, its one of the many joys of my illness it is however horrible on my family. Certain things I tend to let slide by me knowing now that it is important to pick my battles. When I was first married and had my oldest son, the things that bothered me then compared to the things that bother me now is a rather short list. I was I guess very understanding about things not getting done how I preferred them to be done. I was also not the greatest housekeeper in the world either which I am sure confused the hell out of him. Flipping out over the cans in the living room, when the kitchen was in need of a bulldozer(not really that bad) seemed to be the norm for me.  As the years progressed, I matured and became better though it was through some tough love that I got to the point I am now. There are still simple things that so often don’t get done that drive me batty. I don’t complain, and a good portion of the time I would end up redoing it or doing it myself anyways so complaining seems to be a waste of energy.  What seemed to be the top complaint when I was married was throwing things away. There would be countless weekends that come monday morning I would be staring at his computer desk and partially admiring the pyramid of beer cans and partially wanting to shove each beer up his ass. How difficult is it to throw a can away when you are done? Or the weekends where he wouldn’t make it to the bedroom or even the couch and be passed out on the floor next to his desk with a beer in his hand, and cans all over the table, desk and even the kitchen counter next to the trash! Oh wait the trash is full?! well here is a novel idea for that excuse take the bag out lol.

My mom and I don’t always agree on some things but there is one the we agree on, if you see it needs to be done do it don’t wait for someone else to do it. The only flaw with that philosophy is that you end up being the person that is always doing it. I have tried to not notice it, or calmly wait to see if anyone else notices it. I have even most recently, put something on the floor to see if anyone else noticed it and took care of it, nope. There is another perfectly capable human being in this house that can do some of the little things that he knows get under my skin, but yet to him its doesn’t seem like a big deal so he brushes it off and waits till someone else does it.  It’s the simple things though the little things that are the big deals to me.  When you take the time to do the little things, like cleaning up after you spill something, washing your whiskers out of the sink basin and off the counter, throwing your cans away, or simply asking if there is something you can do to help shows that you care not only about the person you are helping but that you care about your living quarters. That you respect that person and the things around you. That alone speak volumes and makes the person feel incredible but you will feel better to. So often when we are going about our day we forget that the simple task of picking up that piece of paper, or taking it upon yourself to empty the dishwasher can make a world of difference to someone. For someone like me  of course it would be the thought that counted lol. Because unless you were picking up trash and throwing it away, I would more than likely go in after you and redo the dishes or, wipe the sink out better. That doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the effort though, because I truly do. Someday it’s all I wish for is that someone would do the dishes for me, or that I could go in the bathroom and not see whiskers or ashes in the sink would be for me almost as good as winning the lottery.

What I am trying to say is that, even though the task may seem simple, mundane or better left until later don’t, just  do it. Obviously you saw it, you saw that it needed to be done so just get it done, don’t wait. In that waiting, you have shown someone who you live with that you don’t respect them, and that you don’t respect you living quarters either.