What an odd week, heck start of the year this has been for me already. There have been so many ups and downs that I have lost count. Seems like more downs then ups but I am working towards a change in that.
Change what a scary but wonderful word, but one that I am embracing. Being a military brat and a military wife along with a veteran of the USAF you would think I could handle change with my eyes closed, not so much the case. As I have gotten older and more set in my ways I have discovered it is harder for me to change my ways. Somethings though have been forced to change, I have had to change many things in my life in the last two years. Some have been much greater than others, some health related and most recently spiritually related. I feel that it is through these changes and the ones that I am working on are steering me towards a more complete me. So many times I have seen it said that real change starts with you, and for quite some time I just brushed it off laughing going yeah the only way things are going to change is if I change something on the physical side of life. Changed my physical appearance, and a brief period of positive then right back into my pit of despair, quit smoking forcing a change of habits and my health has actually deteriorated a bit. So these things have left me in a rut for quite a while struggling to get by just doing what needed to be done and nothing more, seeming to slide down this hill of mud and muck. I know I haven’t hit the bottom of the hill but the last couple days must have put me pretty darn close to it. Those are the moments when you are at your most vulnerable for change. Those moments are to be cherished and acted upon.
What follows in an experience that I am leery of sharing but at the same time excited to as well.
Since my last post, I have made two decisions and one that will impact not only myself but I think everyone around me as well. I feel that it is the positive change in me that needs to happen so the people around me can once again thrive from my friendship. Being a good friend is one of the things that has always been important to me, and I realized in the depths of my darkness that I had turned all my friends away, I had no one to turn to besides my beau and as good as that can be at times sometimes it is not enough. One of the decisions I made Thursday while thinking and struggling with how to do what I want to accomplish, is that I am going to try to cultivate some of the friendships that I have lost. I do not mean to imply that I am going to seek out people who I haven’t talked to in years or that sorta thing. I am going to attempt to better my relationship with the people who even in my darkness have shown me a glimmer of faith and love. Those are the people who I feel I should have in my life, the ones that even though I have not been a friend like I should have been still felt compelled to reach for me even if I pushed them away. I will start with reaching out to them just to say thank you and hopefully they will accept.
The second of these decisions revolves around my faith. I stated in my last post that I was going to take up practicing again regardless of how I thought anyone perceived me. I was able on Thursday evening to replace some of the books I had lost and some that I had never had before. During my time at the used bookstore, I was giddy as a child and anxious to get home. When we did return home, I sat on my computer talking to my sister and playing games all the while resting my hand on the books I just picked up. I was amazed at the energy I could feel coming off of one book in particular, I decided that it was time. I put away my computer and picked up the book. I am familiar with the author as she helped me start my journey into the craft it seemed almost to fitting that she reintroduce me to my faith. One of the first things I was asked to do was to meditate, I had not done this in a long time so it was difficult for me at first. Normally one doesn’t share what happens during meditation for it is a deeply spiritual and personal experience but I want to share this so it will be easier to understand some points I am trying to make. I have always been a believer of one can meditate wherever and whenever they chose as long as they are able to focus no special room, or place, or tools even though they can be beneficial not a necessity. I sat on the bed with the book that was radiating the energy in my lap and started down my path of meditation. Like I said at first it was hard, I couldn’t focus or concentrate I was worried about what my beau would think. I took several calming breaths and just let the world around me fade and before I knew it I was standing in blackness with just a flicker of this wonderfully colored light at the edge of the darkness. I started to move towards the light but never really getting any closer. Suddenly there were open arms outstretched towards me, I moved towards the arms could hear the familiar whisper telling me that I had no need to worry anymore as soon as I reached the open arms they encircled me and a voice simply said welcome home child and it was like I was surrounded with this pure love, I felt free, I felt the sadness disappear replaced with this inner joy. When I returned, I was calmer than I had been in a long time, I felt grounded but yet felt in tune with the energy around me. I slept and awoke today feeling revitalized and confident that I have made the right choice. I am not simply going to practice my faith but I am going to live it, I am not going to let it become a back of the bookshelf kind of thing anymore.
So there it is my decisions, both personal but life changing not just for me but for those around me. People will often say as long as you have love you have everything, I have to disagree with that now. I have had love, I have a love now like no other but yet I was still empty. Love is not enough, I believe we need friends, friends like those who were still willing to look for you in the darkness and probably most importantly is that we need faith. We need to believe in something, to have faith in something. That is what I was lacking, I had lost my faith and as the light had almost gone out for me, I was touched again and reminded that no matter how long you are gone you will always be welcomed with open arms. With this path laid in front of me, I know there will still be down days but I know now that I have somewhere to turn I have my faith and hopefully in time I will have my cherished friends back.